DIVINE INTERVENTION
WRITTEN BY ALONNA KILPATRICK
[VIOLET is browsing inside a music store. ETHAN is in the aisle behind her. Her back is turned to him so that she can't see that he is staring at her. He makes a big production of getting himself ready and then walks over to the next aisle and taps her shoulder.]
ETHAN:
Hi.
VIOLET:
Hi.
[Beat.]
ETHAN:
I, uh... (He points to the CD she is holding in her hand.) That's a good one.
VIOLET:
(Holding up the CD and examining the cover with distaste.) I actually really, really hate the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I'm getting this for my girlfriend. It's her birthday tomorrow.
ETHAN:
Girlfriend?
VIOLET:
Yeah. Girlfriend.
NARRATOR:
(From offstage) Stop!
[ETHAN and VIOLET freeze as if paralyzed. The NARRATOR walks onstage, frustrated.]
NARRATOR:
She's gay? Well, that's not going to make for a very good story... Let's rewind this little intro and change some things up...
[The NARRATOR steps over to VIOLET and ETHAN and makes motions as if adjusting them. The NARRATOR is then satisfied and walks off the stage. From offstage, she calls--]
NARRATOR:
Play!
[ETHAN and VIOLET move again.]
ETHAN:
I, uh... (He points to the CD she is holding in her hand.) That's a good one.
VIOLET:
(Holding up the CD and examining the cover with distaste.) I actually really, really hate the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I'm getting this for my boyfriend. It's his birthday tomorrow.
ETHAN:
Boyfriend?
NARRATOR:
(From offstage.) Stop!
[ETHAN and VIOLET freeze.]
NARRATOR:
(Still from offstage.) There was no point in making her straight if she wasn't single! What kind of romantic comedy is this? Replay!
[ETHAN and VIOLET move again.]
ETHAN:
I, uh... (He points to the CD she is holding in her hand.) That's a good one.
VIOLET:
(Holding up the CD and examining the cover with distaste.) You think so? I've never really cared much for the Chili Peppers. I just like this one guitar part in "Give It Away". Need something to practice this weekend.
ETHAN:
Oh, you play the guitar?
VIOLET:
Electric.
ETHAN:
Sweet. I play the drums for a really shitty garage band that thinks we're going to be famous one day.
VIOLET:
And you don't?
ETHAN:
I've always been more of a realist.
VIOLET:
Sounds like pessimism to me.
NARRATOR:
(From offstage.) Stop!
[ETHAN and VIOLET freeze.]
NARRATOR:
(Still from offstage.) What is she trying to do? Pick a fight with a total stranger in the middle of a store? Maybe it would help if she were holding a different CD...
[NARRATOR walks onstage, takes the CD out of VIOLET'S hand, and replaces it with a different one from the rack in front of them.]
NARRATOR:
Alright, let's try this again. (Walks offstage.) Replay!
[ETHAN and VIOLET move again.]
ETHAN:
(Pointing to the CD VIOLET is holding in her hand.) What's that?
VIOLET:
(Holding it up.) Led Zeppelin.
ETHAN:
Never heard of them.
NARRATOR:
(From offstage.) Stop! For the love of sweet baby jesus, please stop!
[ETHAN and VIOLET freeze. NARRATOR walks onstage.]
NARRATOR:
(Mocking ETHAN.) "Never heard of them"? This kid is in a CD shop and he's never heard of Led Zeppelin? (Turning to VIOLET.) Oh, honey, I feel sorry for you. But the show must go on. I just need to fix some things first...
[NARRATOR smacks ETHAN across the face.]
NARRATOR:
There. That should do it. (Walks offstage.) Replay!
[ETHAN and VIOLET move again.]
ETHAN:
(Pointing at the CD she is holding.) What's that?
VIOLET:
(Holding it up.) Led Zeppelin.
ETHAN:
Ooh, classic. You know, they say Jimmy Page sold his soul to the devil.
VIOLET:
Uh, yeah. Every Zeppelin fan has heard that.
NARRATOR:
(From offstage.) Stop!
[ETHAN and VIOLET freeze. NARRATOR walks onstage.]
NARRATOR:
(To VIOLET.) You really felt the need to say that? The boy was just trying to make some conversation. You really didn't have to shoot him down like that. Look at him. (Gestures towards ETHAN.) Does he look like the type that knows how to flirt to you? He's trying his best. You're honestly trying to make my job harder than it already is, aren't you? Here--
[NARRATOR uses fingers to pull VIOLET'S mouth into a smile.]
NARRATOR:
Now, let's see where that gets us. (Walks offstage.) Replay!
[ETHAN and VIOLET move again.]
ETHAN:
Ooh, classic. You know, they say Jimmy Page sold his soul to the devil.
VIOLET:
I'd believe that.
[Beat.]
ETHAN:
Maybe we could take that CD back to my place and--
VIOLET:
Woah, woah! Slow your role there, Romeo!
ETHAN:
Wha--what? Did I say something wrong or--
VIOLET:
Look, I'm sure you're a nice guy and all, but I don't even know you're name! I'm not going to go home with a complete stranger. You do know what part of town we live in, right?
ETHAN:
UH, yeah, I just-- You're really pretty and I thought--
NARRATOR:
(From offstage.) Stop! Stop it!
[ETHAN and VIOLET freeze. NARRATOR walks onstage.]
NARRATOR:
(To VIOLET.) Okay, chicky. You are really giving me a hard time here. I think it's about time we tried a different approach.
[The NARRATOR drags VIOLET offstage and returns with a guy, frozen. The NARRATOR sets the guy where VIOLET was just standing and then gives him the Led Zeppelin CD. NARRATOR walks offstage.]
NARRATOR:
(From offstage.) Let's take this from the top, people!
[ETHAN and the guy move again.]
ETHAN:
Hi, I'm Ethan.
THOMAS:
Thomas.
ETHAN:
(Pointing to the CD in THOMAS'S hand.) What's that?
THOMAS:
(Holding it up.) Led Zeppelin.
ETHAN:
Sweet.
THOMAS:
Yeah, I've been looking all over town for this album. It's the only one I don't have. Or, I guess, didn't have.
ETHAN:
Yeah, that one's my favorite.
THOMAS:
You a classic rock fan?
ETHAN:
Unfortunately. Not a lot of people left who are.
THOMAS:
I hear that.
ETHAN:
Not a lot of people left who still buy CDs either.
THOMAS:
They're the only way I buy my music.
ETHAN:
Same here. Something about CDs, when you play it, it just sounds... better.
[Beat.]
THOMAS:
You know, there's a Nirvana tribute concert tonight downtown. You got any plans?
ETHAN:
None that sound better than that.
THOMAS:
(In an exaggeratedly gentleman-like voice.) Would you care to be my date, sir?
ETHAN:
(In the same exaggeratedly gentleman-like voice.) Why, I'd be delighted.
THOMAS:
Here-- (Pulls out a scrap piece of paper from his coat pocket along with a pen and starts scribbling on it, using the CD as a hard surface. When he is finished, he hands the paper to ETHAN.) Call me around eight. I can pick you up.
ETHAN:
Sounds great.
[THOMAS smiles and then walks offstage, ETHAN smiles at the scrap of paper he is holding.]
NARRATOR:
(From offstage.) Stop!
[ETHAN freezes. NARRATOR walks onstage and takes the scrap of paper from ETHAN and holds it up to the light to examine it.]
NARRATOR:
Would you look at that! Guess that girl just wasn't you're type, huh?
[The NARRATOR returns the scrap of paper to ETHAN.]
NARRATOR:
(Turning to the audience.) I apologize for all of the difficulty, folks. Hopefully you all had a good time anyway. Have a good night, ladies and gentlemen, and drive safe!
[Lights fade to black.]
END OF PLAY
No comments:
Post a Comment